


i can see you awake anytime in my head

by bulletsfrank



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulletsfrank/pseuds/bulletsfrank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jack hadn't felt well for a long time. mark's words didn't help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can see you awake anytime in my head

**Author's Note:**

> i love angst and dying inside

mark: dating? you and me?  
jack: yeah  
jack: is that too strong  
jack: or weird  
mark: that's hilarious  
mark: walking fanfiction!  
mark: hahahahaha  
jack: lol, yeah, it'd be weird

 

     for a long time, nothing felt right anymore. everything felt darkened.  
     to jack, everything was monotonous. waking up in the morning felt like a job more than a basic human function. he didn't eat. he didn't drink. he felt like he was curling up at the edges and burning in a giant fire. that's what it felt like; it felt like he was on fire.  
     'i'm not cold anymore', is what he constantly used to justify himself. but he knew deep down everything was very, very wrong. and he wasn't the only person noticing. frankly, he was the last to start noticing. only when he felt so hungry he started to black out is when he noticed. it wasn't just the messages. in all honesty, he didn't even know what it was. why everything had become so hard and frustrating. his whole life had been continually spiraling downard and falling apart for a long time, until it finally completely shattered and he ended up living like a zombie.  
     the hardest days were the ones where it rained. he always felt so much deeper when it was storming. the sound of the rain on his roof didn't console him at all. it constantly reminded him of how much it hurt to be alive. how much of a fucking chore it was. how the world was still going around, how everything was still moving when he wasn't. it scared and angered him at the same time.  
     he didn't make videos anymore. he made a video about 2 months back when him and mark last truly talked. that he was going on hiatus. and he thanked himself for that everyday. the mere thought of making a video how he felt right now was synonymous to a ticket to hell. he knew that he was starting to feel like shit again so he did himself a favor by posting a video telling everyone he would be out of town and won't have a solid internet connection. which, in all honesty, was very unlike him. he knew in the back of his mind that if he wasn't overwhelmed with this black sea of depression, he would be so eager to do youtube. he loved it. he loved making videos and interacting with everyone who watched him. he loved all of it. he loved collabing especially. he loved playing games with his friends... he loved hearing them laugh over skype. especially... especially mark.  
     his chest hurt thinking about mark. he didn't really know why. he thought he was joking when he brought up the fact of his actual affections. ever since then, he felt a strange distaste whenever he thought about his friend. he truly did miss all of his friends, but out of all of them his missed the half-korean's dorky smile and laugh the most. given, jack's inner thoughts were constantly, "you can just call him!' or 'message him, you fuck!' but he never really could bring himself to do it. he wanted to turn to mark for help, truly. but he was afraid this weight would bring the rather optimistic guy down. he didn't want to do that to mark. that would hurt so much more than the pain he was enduring now.  
     his suffering was done mostly in quiet. he occassionally got a call from his family or friends, and he was very good at giving a false sense of hope to them. telling them how great vacation was. how much fun he was having. how it felt to be free of responsibility for a while. when in reality, it felt like his own body was crushing itself. his eyes were barely open as he laid in his bed all day, the day lightening and darkening around him.  
     he knew he shouldn't be so torn up about something as small as some guy not liking him back. it's not the end of the world. but it felt like that to him. it was bad before, but mark's words worsened it. it's not like he was mad at mark. mark misunderstood, and that wasn't his fault. it was jack's own fault for not trying to clear the air between them. for not clarifying himself and making it known that, no, it wasn't a joke. but instead he opted to ignore him. he opted the hard way out, the only way he knew how, and that was never speaking about it again. he didn't know why that was his coping method, but it was.  
     he finally forced himself to eat, only to puke it up onto the pillow beside him an hour later. he finally drank, only for his stomach to hurt for the rest of the day. he finally showered, only to fall asleep underneath the stream of water and to wake up to freezing drops on his skin and still unwashed hair. he put on the least dirty clothes that he had. he reluctantly brushed his teeth, his arm moving back and forth at the speed of dirt. it probably took him over 10 minutes. he finally shaved, only to nick his skin over five times in the process. it didn't hurt him that much, though.  
     looking in the mirror, his head started to hurt. he saw how sad and sorry he looked. how in on himself he was. even showered and shaved, he didn't look any better. he looked just as he felt -- absolutely disgusting. and it started to dawn on him, was it all just him? was it all just him making this up to feel sorry about his friend having dismissed him? no, it was something else. he had felt this pit inside of him forever, only now the darkness was eating him whole and crumpling his whole being into tiny little burnt out embers of a human.  
the days all ran together, and jack slept whenever he was able to. whenever he felt remotely tired he would close his eyes and try his best to sleep. sleeping came easy, usually. sometimes it was hard, but sleep was the true escape. tonight it came easy to him. it was one thing to be thankful for in a slew of sadness, at least.  
     it was raining the next morning.  
     jack decided to try mark.  
     "should i... call him?" he stammered to himself. he bit his bottom lip. "no, he reads me too well. and how would i explain that prolonged silence?"

 

jack: hey  
mark: jack!! oh my god, where have you been? everyone is worried sick! are you doing okay? you never answer my texts or calls! i was ready to come fly over there to make sure you hadn't died!!!  
jack: im fine  
jack: doing well  
mark: are you sure?? why havent you talked to me in so long?  
jack: having fun on vacay  
jack: you?  
mark: i'm... doing okay. worried sick, you bastard!  
jack: haha  
jack: sorry  
mark: what have you been doing for the past 5 million years?  
jack: you know, the usual  
mark: i'm so glad you're alright  
jack: makes one of us  
mark: what?  
jack: don't mind it  
mark: do you want to record later?  
jack: i can't  
mark: why?  
jack: no stable connection here  
jack: .......  
jack: also,  
jack: does today feel weird to you?  
mark: no, not really.. what do you mean? like, what do you mean 'weird'?  
jack: the forecast said it was going to be sunny  
mark: we live on completely different sides of the planet  
mark: how would i know how the weather is there  
jack: they said it would be sunny  
mark: ???  
jack: and yet, it's kind of grey  
mark: grey? like it's raining?  
.........  
mark: are you there, jack?  
..........  
mark: hello??  
..........  
mark: message me when you can, i have to go  
mark: don't scare me again like that  
mark: okay? don't be a stranger, man

 

mark: look, if you're gonna be silent again i get it  
mark: you're scaring me  
mark: please tell me you're okay  
mark: call me or message me please

 

mark: jack, i don't know what to say  
mark: are you getting my messages?  
mark: please  
mark: i don't know what happened  
mark: please tell me what happened  
mark: are you feeling okay?  
mark: are you avoiding me?  
mark: call me please

 

mark: is it me?  
mark: did i do something wrong?  
mark: do you want to play GMOD?  
mark: i can come see you

 

mark: it's been 6 days  
mark: you have never gone this long without messaging me  
mark: everyone else says you're ignoring them too  
mark: i don't know what to do

 

mark: i get it, i don't know why i was so dense  
mark: if you want to be alone, that's okay  
mark: i'm here whenever you need me

 

mark: want to record?

 

mark: really, what's wrong?  
mark: you can always talk to me  
mark: i'm not kidding  
mark: always, i mean always

 

mark: i'm sorry i didn't  
mark: i'm so sorry  
mark: i don't know why i was so stupid  
mark: they're kidding right?  
mark: you're just ignoring me  
mark: haha! i get it... it's really funny  
mark: please respond to me

 

mark: it's a joke, really  
mark: you got me really good  
mark: talk to me 

 

mark: this isn't real, is it?  
mark: please tell me it isn't

 

mark: everything is alright, isn't it?  
mark: you'll message me  
mark: please

 

mark: everything feels grey, you are right

 

mark: i'm having a hard time with this....

 

mark: i feel so guilty

 

mark: why did i let this happen to you

 

mark: this is impossible  
mark: i can't feel my head 

 

mark: i wish you could tell me why

 

mark: i let you down

 

mark: i'm sorry, jack


End file.
